A Parent’s Approval

I have met so many seriously successful adults; you know the kind: above average income, obedient set of children, luxury cars, solid marriage, lovely house and a great job where they are a respected member of staff, yet something doesn’t feel right in their spirit. They feel an emptiness they can’t place. They find it difficult to understand what is going on in their minds and go through their lives trying to find out why, and what exactly it is they’re missing. They’re constantly trying to analyse and locate the missing piece, but are somehow unable to do so. When asked what it is they’re looking for, they can’t give you a logical answer. Heck, they can’t even describe what it is they’re looking for, let alone find it!

Some decide to go into therapy, yet find prescription drugs. Some try to find it in sex and find loneliness after the excitement of the moment. Some go to church because they are told that what they’re missing is God, yet they find judgement because they don’t fit in or ‘sin’ openly, and are therefore different than those who hide behind appearances. Some end up with depression, anger, or some kind of an addiction. Some keep restlessly moving their furniture around, moving house or even moving country, all whilst looking to find what they’re missing… only to find more judgement and misunderstanding.

All outsiders see is instability, yet all we’re looking for is an inner peace we can’t seem to find.

I have been searching for that particular ‘something’ for as long as I can remember. Unhappy about my life in general and constantly wondering whether someone would miss me if I’d disappear. Wondering if I would’ve been a different person, if only I had been born in another family, another time, another place? Is this who I am intended to be? What exactly am I looking for? Why am I so restless?

I now know why… It is because no matter who I was before, who I am now or who I will be in the future. It doesn’t matter whether I am an addict, a successful accountant or a loving parent with well-behaved children. I will always be in need of my parent’s approval. To hear them say that they’re proud of me. For them to hold me close. Hold me tight and not wanting to let me go. To have them hold my face into their hands and to hear them say that they love me. To know that they have a picture of me and my children in their living room and proudly show all their visitors who I am and all that I have accomplished. For them to speak about me and my children with genuine love… Like I do… with my children.

I can feel loved by all my friends, be respected by my colleagues, get a thousand likes on Facebook or Instagram, get the approval of the President, King or Queen… yet it all fades away when the one approval I need the most, I do not get…